I have gone back and forth in my own mind a thousand times. Run over my testimony so many times. Battled the devil trying to tell me I am a damaged good.
Wishing I had read and been taught the bible from a child, so I knew the
love of God before I ever sought the love of man. At 26 years old I feel like
I am starting all over again, as though I have no idea who I am. I have never fully given my life to Christ until now. It says in his word before he formed us in our mother’s womb, he knew us. (Jeremiah 1:5) Only Christ knows who we truly are, and until we know him we can never truly know ourselves.
I remember when I first met my ex-husband. He was so smooth. He said all the right things. It had been maybe a month since we started dating, maybe only a few weeks. We were at his apartment when he told me
“one day your last name will be the same as mine.”LINE! At that point he had me, I had fallen, hook, line, and sinker. I felt like I was in a movie, a really good movie. Although I wish he would have also mentioned the price of taking his name in his accidental prophetic word. I wish he had told me that he would follow me to the lowest I have ever felt and leave me there. Break my heart into a thousand pieces and not think twice. Then, a year later he would come back and make me his wife, give me his name and then proceed to break my heart again.
My best friend from childhood said it when I told her we were getting a divorce, “I thought you were livin the dream.” The fact of the matter is, me too. I thought I had pretty much everything I ever wanted or was striving for. Financial success to a degree, a husband who I really loved, a couple dogs. And we were on our way to owning a home and potentially having a family one-day. Little did I know, there was SO much missing. I was in this weird form of arrested development. I now realize all these things while some of them truly were blessings from God, others I had conjured up and manufactured on my own.
First and foremost I did not have a relationship with God, and basically that is the beginning and the end. Without that everything else was just dust in the wind. Store your treasures in Heaven right, Matt 6:20. Even the relationship I had with my ex husband, I was sure that I loved him and even more sure now. But nonetheless while we were together I know I did not treat him with the love of Christ. In a way I had made him my God and we all know no one can live up to that standard. True love puts the other person and their happiness before your own. You get married for a life of service to another person not for yourself. I wanted a family and I had been in love with this man since I was 20 years old. So I was going to make him the one. Not realizing that God’s best for me was first and foremost to come to know Him, his Son Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. Ultimately that is God’s best for us, his perfect and unfailing love. Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness Matt 6:33. Ultimately until my world came crashing down around me, I did not realize how unhappy I was. I was using material things to fill the God shaped hole inside me while hoping one day I would have the family and the love that I so desperately wanted. If I just worked harder, if I just kept striving, I would get there eventually.
March 1, 2012. I left my beautiful apartment in downtown Chicago with my new husband of five months and our three dogs. We were headed for a promotion in New England at the fortune 500 company I worked for. Little did I know at that time, the hound of heaven was hot on my heels to bring me to my knees and to the life He had called me to, not the one I had manufactured for myself.
A month or so later we were getting settled in our temporary housing and I started feeling this pull inside me to find a church. I now know it was the Holy Spirit tugging at me, calling me back to Him. I started googling churches, wrote some down and did not pursue much further. Another month went by and the tugging turned into sincere desperation. I found a church, and started attending regularly. I then started reading the bible daily, praying, and reading the purpose driven life by Rick Warren. The seed The Lord had planted in me at 20 years old when I got saved and promised my life to Him had begun to grow.
I remember during prayer one morning having this vision in my minds eye. I saw myself standing on a rock GEARED UP, in full on crazy looking roman armor, with a helmet under my left arm and a huge sword in my right. Looking back now I believe I was being shown that I was going to need the FULL armor of God to walk through what I was about to endure. And I was in for the fight of my life, the fight of faith.
Fast forward not long to the middle of June, the day of reckoning was upon me. My husband whom I adored looked me square in the eye and asked me for a divorce after only 8 months of marriage. My heart SANK, I had no idea and did not see it coming. The thoughts ran through my mind “are you kidding me” “It’s only been 8 months” and worse “I’m going to be 26 and divorced, who will want me now.”
During this time my Ex husband danced back and forth on his decision for another four months. But very shortly after the first request for a divorce I had settled into my head and determined with God, I was not leaving. I would honor the covenant I made with The Lord until the bitter end. My husband was going to have to leave me to make me break the promise not only to him but more importantly to God.
I only provide part of the details to demonstrate the level of chaos that has been in my life the last twelve months. In the midst of all that chaos, I got to know the heart of God, the power of his presence, the strength and the sweetness of his love. I would not trade the experience for anything because of the encounter I was blessed to have with The Lord. Most would think: ‘a young girl, getting divorced, stressful job, halfway across the country from anyone she’s ever known’ that I would be spending most of my time just crying, crumbling under the weight and no one would blame me.
There were hard days during that time, but I learned to rest in The Lords strength. I knew God was the only one that could save my marriage, so I did what any Christian would do. I prayed. I prayed harder than I have ever prayed for anything in my entire life. I prayed without ceasing. I would pray over anything of my husbands I could get my hands on. His clothes, his food, his car, I would even pray over him as he was sleeping…. And the tears are silent prayers too. I would pray for his salvation, I would pray for the Holy Spirit to touch his heart, and ultimately God’s will for our marriage.
But with the hard days, there were really amazing days as well. Days where the joy of The Lord was so intense I literally felt as though I might burst. I was so happy and it was as though I could feel The Lord smiling down upon me. There were even times where I thought I might literally be losing it, because how could I be happy neigh joyful at a time like this. I know now it was the peace and grace that surpasses all understanding Phillipians 4:7.
God is close to the brokenhearted Psalm 34:18. I don’t only read and believe that verse I know beyond a shadow of doubt that it is true.
And in the midst of all the turmoil The Lord was so gently stripping me of the things of the world. My materialism that could never be satisfied, my absolutely FOUL mouth, and my hardened heart.
In September we officially filed for divorce. The date was set; the dream that had become a nightmare would be over January 10th, 2013. He moved out of our home and I started to put the pieces back together and come to terms with the fact my marriage was over. My body was starting to show physical signs of the stress: weight loss, lack of appetite, and even nausea on a pretty regular basis. But my mind was sound, 2 Timoth 1:7. I had clung to God and there was no way I was about to let go now, he had brought me this far and I knew he was not going to leave me.
I worked for a really great successful company and by the worlds standards I had an amazing job. Great pay, benefits, company car, you name it. I was grateful for my job because I truly do believe it was a blessing from God. I had literally been picked out of a crowd at a job fair in college and they changed my life, moved me all around the country and gave me a career. I will always be grateful for the experience. But I knew deep down this was not meant to be the rest of my life. So I started praying, I started praying for God’s vision for my life, what to do next. My perspective on life had changed so much; I wanted God’s will for my life more than my own. When the desire to live for God takes root it’s a totally different ball game.
I had been feeling the desire to move back home, to Michigan. This was something foreign to me. I moved away from Michigan at 18 and never really looked back and never really had a desire to return except for the short visits to see family. Initially I thought this is just my flesh, a desire for comfort.
So I kept on praying. I had an uneasy feeling about potentially moving home (to MI). Thinking I want the will of God for my life more than my own and at that time could not discern whether it was my own desire or God’s desire. So I went with a friend and started looking at apartments in the area with the intention of staying right where I was and even went to look at furniture. I remember so distinctly being in the furniture store sitting on the sofa I had intended on buying. I was about to put a deposit down when the holy spirit started grinding inside me and said “don’t buy this, things are going to change.” Not really knowing what exactly was going to change, I got up, thanked the sales woman for her help, and left the store.
It was approaching the Christmas holiday; I was planning to travel back to Michigan to see family and friends. I had still been praying for discernment on what path I should take and was hoping God would reveal something to me while I was there. He did. I was there for two weeks and God’s peace was upon me, a peace I have not felt in being there in almost ten years. I did not want to come back to New England. When I returned home I began to apply for jobs in Michigan. And I prayed “Lord, if this is not your will and you do not want me to move back close the door, do not let me get a job there and I won’t move without one.” Every single job I applied for, I received a call back. It appeared The Lord was opening the door.
I was prepared to take a pay cut, move myself, and basically get home by any means necessary…… I had no idea what The Lord was about to work in my life. I had set a goal to be moved by the end of April at the latest because my lease was up. By the end of February, I had some phone interviews but it seemed as though things were getting stagnant. It wasn’t looking like I was going to have a new job in time, and I would potentially have to make other living arrangements when my lease was up. I am a pretty intense person, I knew I could strong-arm this move and somehow make it happen on my own. But I was determined that I was going to wait on God.
Towards the end of February I was starting to feel a sense of desperation and discomfort. I was more than ready to be moved on from my situation, but it would have to be in God’s timing. So I just woke up every morning and did my best to be grateful for my situation and all the blessings The Lord had provided. A few weeks went by, and I was starting to get really restless. The fight of faith was getting a little harder. I was fighting my own mind to continue to stand on God’s promises and believe his will is better for me than anything I could come up with or do on my own. I had been out of God’s will for my life before and it was not an enjoyable experience, I was not going down that road again.
Then, I got a phone call. I had a phone interview and the following day they called for an in person interview the following week on a Friday. I had a job offer the following Monday, less than one business day. Not only was I going to be back home but I would also have professional movers provided for me so I would essentially not have to lift a finger. In perfect timing, in a perfect way, The Lord answered my prayers. I accepted the offer that afternoon…..But I was in for a test.
When I started walking with The Lord again he released me from the bondage of my extreme materialism pretty quickly. He taught me that it was about the motive behind wanting material things, if you felt as though you could not live without it then there is a problem and you should not give in to that desire. And when I had prayed for a job in Michigan I had literally prayed for a paycheck, it wasn’t about the money I did not need a lot I needed enough. God knew my situation and he supplied more than I even expected. I only provide this information, as a preface to what I am about to say next so that you understand this was truly a test… Had I really departed from my old ways?
In my old job I had a really amazing boss, very supportive and I considered him a friend. It was killing me not to tell him I was looking to relocate and move home, but I knew I couldn’t. The day I was set to resign, my wonderful boss called me and praised my hard work and gave me a 20% raise. WHOA, I did not see that coming. I instantly had the feeling in my spirit that it was a test. I was not ready to resign then I was still waiting for some clearances, but as soon as I heard I was receiving a raise, I knew I had to resign that day if I was going to do it. I stopped first and prayed about the decision, was I making the right choice? Was this a sign I was supposed to stay where I was? Is this what I was called to do for the kingdom, to earn and to fund? As I prayed the thought of staying literally made me sick to my stomach, and the only redeeming factor I could find was the money. Surely this was not what The Lord had called me to. I called my boss and gave my two weeks notice, it turned out that I was going to take a 50% pay cut to move back to Michigan. After more prayer and a few words from The Lord I received from other people, I know I did the right thing. The decision to quit my job was easy, but by The Lord’s doing the decision became a bigger sacrifice than I originally imagined. And I know by the grace of God alone I was able to make the choice, because the old me, in my flesh, would have jumped all over that and taken the money.
“ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.” Romans 7:18
By God’s grace the decision to make the sacrifice was easy. I am sure down the road as I continue on this journey I will have to make other sacrifices that will not be as easy. But after the past year I know as Billy Graham says “the will of God will not take us where the grace of God will not sustain us.”
I was very reluctant to write this and to share the intimate details of what had transpired over the last year. But as I prayed, I knew it was something that God wanted me to share. My prayer is that this may encourage someone else who may feel as though they are walking through fire right now and in the furnace of affliction. My advice is this: First, keep MOVING, as the saying goes “when you’re walking through hell, keep walking.” Take heart, troubles never last. John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” The second piece I will end with, 1 John 4:4 “But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.” And I don’t believe this promise to be true, I know that it is.
TheLightDistrict 